the end feels a lot like the beginning

Imagine

-Sometimes I sit in my room.

is that it?

-No. I light a candle.

then what?

-then I put on music. 

what do you listen to?

-anything. but it can’t have words, lyrics clutter my thoughts.

what do you think about?

I imagine the world, like…as an atom. then, just as an electron or proton or whatever, and our galaxy is the atom. then the galaxy is the proton, and the whole universe is the atom. I do this until I feel so small, that I can’t feel anything.

and why don’t you want to feel anything?

-Because sometimes…I feel everything. I imagine that every object in the room can feel with me. they feel the vibrations and the grazes, being picked up, being dropped, used…everything. and then I feel like I understand what it’s like to be hurt constantly, and all you can do is sit there. Just because you’re an object, and that’s what you do….Am I crazy?

YES

just got The Social Network and The Aviator on Blu-ray. Thank you Amazon.

Seeing Blue Valentine today. SO MANY MOVIES

One year ago…

I found this brilliant piece of writing. Its dark, romantic, and vengeful narrative has been a constant inspiration to me as a writer. The piece was written by Chase Bortz, a wildly talented writer/director/actor. And he’s only in high school. I expect to see his name on the big screen in the not-too-distant future. But, in the meantime, I’d like to show my appreciation for this wonderful achievement.

Good evening Love, so glad you came, alas you’re late again.
I’m seeing less and less of you. You’re seeing other men.

I’m not upset, it’s quite alright; in fact, please stay for dinner.
When we are done you’ll feel more light, in this case I mean thinner.

What do I mean? Oh must you ask? Hear have a glass of wine.
That’s it, drink up. Your head hurts now? How strange. I feel fine.

You best sit down you don’t look well. Perhaps it was the year,
or cyanide, or arsenic I laced it with my dear.

No don’t get up, don’t even move, you’ll faint within a second.
Just close your eyes, that’s it my love, just do as you are beckoned.

…

What’s this? I see you’ve come around. At last, we can proceed!
Oh no my dear don’t try to scream your vocal chords will bleed.

Perhaps a drink to calm you down, sangria would be best.
It’s salty, sweet and freshly made of blood drained from your chest.

Do try the soup, the red one love, the one so bold in taste.
Of piece of mind, of heart and soul, and slices of your face.

Not hungry for the liquid flesh? Go on to taste the bread.
The flavors from your eyelids and the hair cut from your head.

Oh dear it seems you’re throwing up. I guess this means dessert.
I thought I’d save the best for last, alas, the last will hurt.

It’s funny how you guard your ribs, as if I want your heart.
No I want sweetness, red and curved, not something black and tart.

Your mouth my love is what I’ll eat. Your smile looks delicious.
The things you hide inside of you are rotten and malicious.

And now I will consume you. I knew someday I would.
A shame the way it ends my dear, I did all that I could.

To save you love; to save myself, but now it’s far to late..
One last request? A smile my dear, and then I’ll seal your fate.

It fades to black, your eyes roll back, your figure hits the floor.
I know that I’ll sleep well tonight.


For I’m not hungry, anymore.

- Chase Bortz

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

My third birthday. I had a power rangers birthday cake, and i got a remote controlled car. thanks for asking tumblrbot.

Remembrance

“Please, please no, please, please, please no,” I repeated, until the words felt foreign on my lips. The hot metal pressed to my temple burned a hole deep in my psyche, engraving the sensation into my person.

I pleaded on, more pitiful and more desperate with every breath. Like a flooded river cascading over a tremendous dam, my life rushed in. My existence, which had formerly been an object passing by so quickly it was unrecognizable, suddenly came into clear view. I fought back the regret that accompanies a man like me in the face of death. Every foul remark that ever escaped my mouth struck me with blows harder than those of a heavyweight boxer. Every vile action I performed without hesitation pierced my heart; a thousand needles permanently stitching the evils of my being. At last, every ounce of hate I carried with pride and abandon obliterated my soul, but did so in the slowest most torturous fashion imaginable. The pain entered like that of a flame: trudging and dull to begin, then transforming into a sharp, striking sting. Normally the burn takes only an instant to register, yet I felt the misery for all eternity.

“Please, please, please…” I begged, no longer asking for mercy, but an end to the infinite suffering. The metal wavered against my skull as it was repositioned. I let my eyelids fall, forcing a cool tear from each eye.

A jagged click.

The resonance of my existence became visible. As if seeing the dark side of the moon, the mural of my life no longer felt incomplete. The blows of my wicked utterings were massaged and healed by the compliments and regards I had doled out. The stitchings on my heart were covered by a warm blanket; every selfless act I pursued. What remained of my battered soul was awakened by the Love I emanated and embraced. The fire that had once burned now soothed, emitting serenity rather than repentance. 

My begging ceased. My blubbering ceased. My regret, finally, had ceased. And I smiled one last time.

Goals for the day…

-do laundry, considering I have mass amounts of clothes cascading out of my already large hamper. -finish this writing piece I started -start the 10 day tumblr challenge -read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath -make plans for tonight

Let’s do this shit

Christmas is almost here…

meaning tonight, I will start my christmas movie marathon, which includes:

-A Christmas Story

-National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

-How The Grinch Stole Christmas

-The Polar Express

-The Nightmare Before Christmas

That’s all I can think of right now. Any others I absolutely HAVE TO watch?

New tradish?

I’m thinking about starting fleetwood fridays. Every friday I’ll listen to a shit load of fleetwood mac. Sounds amazing. I’ll post things too. Mm I’m watching my sisters dog for a bit, gettin 10 bucks. Then I’m headed to yogurtland!! AND THEN BLACK SWAN.

hmm

2 months, no post. why anyone follows me is a mystery. I’ll get back on top of this shit though, just had school to worry about.

on the other hand, I am quite pleased with society at the moment. It seems that the ever annoying Chuck Norris jokes have dissipated from all conversation.

Clint Eastwood is way more badass anyway.

I have recently turned 17. I’ve seen TWO R-rated movies already, soon to be three; Black Swan opens up at the Mayan tomorrow. 

The first R-rated movie I bought my own ticket for was Love and Other Drugs. It was sappy, and predictable. but nonetheless, funny, charming and above all entertaining. The acting was superb, especially for this type of movie. Anne Hathaway was topless for a good chunk of the movie, more than i expected. can’t complain there. It was overall enjoyable. Saw it with kyle after yogurtland. it was a fun night.

the second movie was Due Date. I can’t make up my mind about it. I think it’s because I love RDJ, I think Galifianakis is hilarious, and Todd Philips is truly talented. I just didn’t enjoy this movie as much as I’d hoped. Yeah, it had some funny parts, but nothing too memorable, or wildly hilarious. Overall it was a disappointment. I just really wanted it not to be.

Black Swan, if my predictions are correct, will blow the fucking top off of my love for movies. I’ll probably see it twice. Well, nothin’ much else goin on. I go on break the end of next week, and I’m ready to get some serious reading done. 

watched Gran Torino today. Sparked the Clint Eastwood-Chuck Norris rivalry in my head. thought I should explain that.

OHHHH, I almost forgot. I rented Winter’s Bone on my iPod (not a bad way to watch a movie in my opinion). It was eye opening to Debra Granik’s mastery, and Jennifer Lawrence’s smoldering acting ability. Seriously, go watch that movie. I’m stoked to see what both of these ladies do in the next few years. Jennifer Lawrence is getting Oscar nods like crazy, I’m definitely expecting a nomination.

mmm, that’s about it. Goodnight!

Untitled

I dove. No stifling, no question. I just dove. Straight into the murky waters of my past. I dove clumsily and quickly. But I dove nevertheless.

I was met with silence. Not the tick of a clock, or the hum of the outside world. A quiet so quiet, my breathing sounded like the roar of a train beating along the tracks.

I climbed. I climbed foolishly, unaware of my grip. Yet I climbed. To the summit of my impending future, I climbed.

Not silence, no, but echoes. Faint whispers of the past I heard. Sly musings of a better life, one full of laughter and adventure. A life that bled through the paper of my existence onto the opposite side. A memory. My memory, I’m sure, but all it contained to me was mystery.

I sat. Calm. Patient. I sat. Pulled between a past I’d been glad to escape and a future where I’d longed for the past. Even so, I sat.